Till the end

Thursday 26 June 2008

Hmm... I had make up mind. Well, i guess this is e decision i wish make all along. Had a heart to heart talk wif B ytd. Well, shall call him YQ from now although i did use another nick for him smtimes (not B).

I feel amused when YQ said tt he dun even noe whether he has e ability to take care of the current striker after he's ORD n telling me to give him time until end of e yr. By then, it's wld be 3 mths into his new job n more or less, it wld be more stable. YQ said tt if i were to quit my job next yr cos tt was my intention if gg Europe next yr. I told him tt i've my own career, i got my own financial ability so y do i need him to take care of me financially? Well, even if i were to quit my job, i dun need him to take care of me financially cos i feel tt he dun have e responsibility to take care me financially. It's not as if i wanna married n start a family now ah, just feel so amused by him. But at the same time, i do feel tt he does think abt his future.

We had agreed that he shall focused on his career. I told YQ i can be accomodating to him by giving him time. Wat i dun wan is after waiting for him, he tell me "Sorry to waste your time" or if ex-striker come back n i just become nothing. YQ said tt he dun like betrayal n ex-striker wldn't be in his future plan. Well, i dunno whether it seems like making a deal wif him cos sm ppl may perceived so. But i just wanna feel secured n committment. If he can give his committment, y can't i give him time? Mayb as i grow older, i'm no longer looking for sm1 tt i like without thinking anything abt the future. I'm looking for sm1 whom i feel tt can commit, making me feel secured n be my confident. Probably i'm looking for sm1 who i feel tt i can eventually settled down wif rather than be together for the sake of just love? Love wldn't last u forever but commitment wld. Although i may not like YQ v v v much now, cos i wldn't feel my heart beat faster when i see him but i do feel comfy wif him. Haiz... 1 thing i'm still v puzzled is YQ until now still cant figure out whether he like me or not. He said he does missed e current striker smtimes but wldn't feel tt his heart beat faster when he saw me n our bonding is not deep enuf. I really wonder if u like a person, ur heart beat wld be faster everytime meh? Then sure got heart attack one loh. Well bonding wise, it takes time... I ask YQ if by end of e yr, he still cant figure out his feeling for me? I oso dun understand y YQ said tt by then e feeling wld be figured out.

1 thing tt surprised me is tt YQ seems to have confidence in me when i ask him ain't he afraid of competitors? YQ said tt he noe tt current striker wld take care of herself so i act blur by asking taking care of wat? Well, he said tt current striker noes how to take care of her financially n her availability. Hmm... aint he too confident of himself? I told him tt if he make e current striker heartbreak again then e current striker wldn't give him anymore time. Tot tt he was too focused on driving on sat nite when i told him abt my feelings for A,C n D. Didn't noe tt actually he does listen, no wonder...

Well, there is a change in plan. We decided to postphone our europe trip to a later date, probably not next year. YQ ask me whether i mind postphoning n i told him i dun mind but dun tell me tt i gonna wait until my hair turn white loh. YQ say wldn't cos gg europe is 1 of his dream.

I'm gg wif YQ to Vietnam @ end of Dec since we r not gg Europe next yr. This is a place which i always wanna go. Well, i told YQ i can help him save a lot of $$ cos he noe i'll do my homework on booking cheap airtix, accomodation n itinerary. Hmm... ain't he taking advantage of me now? Well if i leave him wif all these things, i think my trip will cost a bomb.

I can't predict wat will happen in e future but i noe tt rite now, i do feel the sense of happiness.

Monday 23 June 2008

Smtimes i really dun understand myself. Y ain't i'm feeling happy when i shld be?

Although B say tt the ex-striker has retired n no way tt's she coming back, just like zidane. The fans missed zidane but he wldn't come back. But i replied tt although the ex-striker retire but the fan still hope tt she will come back. Just like Henrick Larsson of Sweden who came back to play for the country in EURO bcos of fans petition. I told B tt u nvr noe when e ex-striker wld come back and smmore e fan keep hoping tt she'll come back. Wat e fan missed is e ex-striker not e current striker. So it doesn't matter to e fan whether e current striker hang up e boots. There r sure to b replacement for e current striker.

B replied tt e fan can hope bt its impossible n e fan is rational enuf to noe tt e ex-striker cant perform like e past. Hmm... y say impossible when nothing is impossible in this world? Does it matter to e fan if e current striker hang up e boots???

I always believe tt when both parties mutually like each other, it's such a great thing.

I still can't figure out y i dun happy when i shld be. Is it i've decided to give up? Is it i've frozen to e extent tt it can't be melted? But 1 thing i'm sure is i dun have feeling for A, C & D. Even though C is overseas for a wk n couldn't send me home this wk, i dun missed him @ all. I did feel a bit frustrated taking bus home today when e bus dun stop @ e bus stop. I didn't take it to heart although i'm indeed feel a bit angry last fri when he didn't informed me earlier if he couldn't make it for dinner. Then i wldn't ask my mom not to cook my dinner. If it's anyone, i'm sure i wld oso be angry. But i think if B is overseas for a wk, i guess probably i'll missed him. Yet y i dun have a sense of happiness when i noe i'm e leading scorer? I really dunno......

Sunday 22 June 2008

Time flies n now is sun nite. How i wish now is still sat nite n i still have another day. Y time flies n dun walk???

Hmm... I finally respond to B on my feelings after figuring out this morn. I told B wat i finally figure out in e morn n B replied tt e previous striker already retired n no way she will come back. So means wat?

Since i've finished blogging abt my ytd outing, shall blog abt my feelings now.

On Friday, i mentioned tt 2 ppl make me angry rite? Silent, one of them do not have big influence on me, this i can confirmed. As for the other one, i really dunno. Actually the matter that the one who dun have big influence on me whom make me angry, i think if anyone do this, i'll oso get angry so this doesn't apply specifically to this person. As for the matter that the other one whom make me angry, guess if it's other ppl, probably i just 放飞机 when my mood is not good.

I finally ask B the question tt i wanna ask him since before my exam. Although he did reply via sms but the answer he reply me isn't the answer to the question i ask him. Although the answer he reply via sms is always the same answer n my heart has almost sank to the bottom of the ocean. I just wanna give myself one last chance cos i just wanna hear it personally from his mouth, so i put aside my 矜持 n ask him ytd. Human only lives once so i dun wanna live wif regret. 想让自己的心对得起自己吧。。。

Smtimes i really dun understand guys. I ask a simple qsn and the answer is either Yes or No but the answer given to me is neither Yes nor No. It's like I ask u whether u like orange or not? N e answer is in the past I like Orange but now, hmm... So isn't this not answering the question.

Finally B noe wat the answer i'm looking for to my question. I ask him whether he treat me good just bcos he wan me to treat him good too? Cos tt's wat i feel when he reply my sms last time n i really got pretty upset abt this. He ask me back saying recently i dun treat him as good as previously but he still continue to treat me good. Then i oso ask him is it tt he treat all his good frenz so good. He say it's different, telling me tt his sec gal frenz is just purely good frenz n the way he treat me is more than a good frenz and is different from the way he treat his other good frenz who r gals.

Now i noe tt all along B tot tt whenever i ask him those qsn, i'm like psycho him into a relationship. Really surprised when he told me tt. Now then he realised i only wanna noe the position of me in his heart. Y he dunno??? I did told him clearly before that i noe he's not ready to commit n he still can't forget his previous relationship, yet y he tot tt i'm psycho him? Just dun understand guys.

Guess wat B say? He say tt i'm currently the leading scorer. Then i ask him so this means there r other scorer? He told me that there is one but he oso puzzled how this gal got his no n msn. But he say tt he always ignore her. Now i noe my intuition can't be tt bad, when a guy really treat u so good, there is surely a motive behind. A guy can't possibly sms u everyday, call u frequently, gg out wif u frequently if he dun feel anything for u. Tt's is wat i feel so since there r A, B, C n D which i really can conclude this.

B ask me whether i'm happy to hear this. Smhow i dun have the sense of happiness. I told B tt everytime the answer he give me really make me feel v sad n after few times already, i feel like giving up. Initally i really can be v understanding to him but the more he make me sad, i wld wonder y shld i be understand to sm1 who make me sad. N when i start to 心灰意冷 n didn't treat B too good, smhow he'll do things tt make me feel tt he's more concern abt me than previously. I ask B whether he knew tt i dun treat him as good as previously n B replied tt he's sensitive to this so how can he dunno. I oso got puzzled by him smtimes, ain't e things tt he told me contridicts his actions? I told B tt he's not e only one concerning abt me, he tot it's A & D cos he knew abt their existence but they are not. It's C n i told B abt it ytd. I told B tt C almost send me home everyday n B still can joke tt he oso wan. ><" Smtimes really feel tt B is crapping too much but he oso bought a lot of laughter to me. I dun deny tt he brighten up my life after knowing him.

This morning i finally figure out y i dun have the sense of happiness after hearing his answer ytd. Although i'm e leading scorer now but i'm not the golden boot yet. If last season golden boot overtook me, then i'm just nothing. 所谓喜欢一个人，如果不是全部，就是零。B did mentioned before tt he still can't forget the one who hurt him the most n he did habour e thoughts of reunion although it's impossible. Well, nothing is impossible.

Y when i'm on e verge of giving up then he told me those? I dunno, dun wanna think, dun wanna make any decision. Just follow my heart, just hear wat my heart say....

It's raining heavily this morning, my fav weather again. Woken up by the rain before 7am and couldn't continue sleeping. Was lying on the bed tossing and turning hoping to fall asleep again. In the end, i give up and went to brush my teeth at 8.30am, didn't realise tt i was lying on my bed for 1 1/2hr. If i noe earlier, would not be lying in the bed for so long.

Went to quite a few places wif B on Saturday. Seems to go to those not so common places wif B. He pick me up @ 10am and we went to Hay Diaries Farm first. As usual, although i'm only the passenger, i always gotta noe the directions and guide B. I dun need to noe the directions when i'm the passenger of others. I always nagged at B that i'm not his GPRS n he still dare to comment that this GPRS is v good. Me poor thing, need to noe the directions otherwise i think we gg for detour v often.

I went there before in primary school and i wanna go there to drink goat's milk, hehe... Goat milk is nutritionally superior and has more calcium, chlorine and vitamins while having less lactose than any other milk from domestic livestock.

Goat milking session

Yummy goat milk

Different species of goats

Y the goat is not co-operative wif me???

After the goat farm visit, i suggest gg to the end of Lim Chu Kang where the bus terminal is since i'm curious abt tt place. Nothing much actually, saw ppl fishing loh... We left for our lunch shortly.

Lim Chu Kang jetty

Police coast guard

Mussels

Went to Bollywood Veggies farm restuarant Poison Ivy Bistro for lunch. We ordered pineapple rice and papaya chicken. Haiz... it's such a disappointment. The pineapple rice is quite soggy and B comment tt adding a few pieces of pineapple can considered as pineapple rice meh? He say tt he can cook much better, haha...

After our lunch, we went to Kin Yan Agrotech - an organic wheatgrass farm cos last time my sis ask me to buy wheatgrass but i didn't went the last time. But it didn't sell live wheatgrass, only sell wheatgrass juice n wheatgrass powder so i didn't buy. The farm oso sell aloe vera, catus and mushrooms.

Organic wheatgrass

Mushroom

After tt, we went to Qian Hu for fish therapy. Yah, i really like the fish therapy a lot. Hmm... if i can buy these fishes back home n do fish therapy as n when i wan but e fishes r too ex.... As this is e 2nd time, not as itchy as e 1st time. My legs seems to attract lots of fishes.

Fish therapy

Saw e tiny blue & yellow fishes

Colourful fishes

After finishing the fish therapy and viewing the fishes, we head for Ikea @ Tampines. As i'm not familiar wif the east side n e street directory is 2006 version, so B gonna figure out himself the way there. As we didn't had a fulfiling lunch n smmore the food is not nice, so we went to Ikea n had meat ball. Well, a lot of ppl say tt e meat ball is nice but i think it's ok lah. It's e chicken wings which is yummy. After having a more fulfiling meal, we went to look @ e furnitures. Probably due to e effect after eating, we did feel a bit sleepy n when testing those beds n sofa, really have e urge to just stay there n dun feel like getting up. But of cos we didn't 'test' too long.

At the end of the cashier counters, finally saw my hotdogs!!!! Wow... so happy cos was a bit disppointed when tt e hotdogs was not sold in e restaurant so i tot i dun have e chance to eat it. B was laughing at me loh when i'm so excited when seeing the hotdogs... It just taste so so so yummy. While eating our hotdog, saw a aunty almost used up e whole ball of ropes in tying her purchase. Actually not only us was paying attention on her and we really wonder she need to tie so many rounds for wat???

Aunty art of tying

After tt, we went to Courts which is beside Ikea, nothing much and not much crowd. Was hooked to a movie screening on one of the plasma TV so sat @ the sofa and watch for abt 1/2hr bah. Oso tried the massage chair. Didn't tried too long otherwise i think e salesperson wld be staring @ us.

Then we went to Giant which is opposite Courts. Didn't bought anything except a bottle of mineral water.

We left Giant and went to have our dinner. But it's only 6pm which is still early. Hence we ordered drinks and wait for abt 1/2 hr later before we order our food. As we r not hungry, only ordered a plate of oyster omlette which B recommend. Well, it's not bad. My standard is v high loh...

B didn't noe how to get to Bedok reservoir hence he look at the street directory n still couldn't figure out. No choice, still need me to guide him. Haiz... he really can't read maps. The 2 locations are just in 2 maps which are above n below. So so so simple loh...

Alamak when we reach Bedok reservoir n park the car, we realise tt actually the performance is at the other end of the reservoir. Nvm, since we just ate our dinner, we decided to walk loh. By the time we reach the performance area, it was full wif people. B ask me how come got so many Singaporeans noe how to appreciate meh? I reply tt it's FREE! Haha... B even say tt he will have more 墨水 after watching the performance. The name of the performance is Hydro Sapiens by The Lunatics from Netherlands. Well, after the performance had ended, B ask me whether i understand it or not? Actually i oso dun understand cos I'm not sm1 who really noes how to appreciate art. But anyway since it's free, i dun mind gg.

The performance

After the performance ended, we decided to walk the other way back to the carpark. In e end, we took abt an hr to reach e carpark. I told B tt we had accompanlished smthing today which is walking the whole of Bedok reservoir today, haha...

On our way back, B missed the PIE exit and in the end, we took ECP then AYE then BKE before reaching my home. Y he's sense of direction is so bad? I ask him whether he's using water n not petrol meh? B still can tell me that it's good to have me around to guide him. ><"

Friday 20 June 2008

Finally it's Friday, wat a long long wk. Although boss is not around this wk but has been working pretty late this wk, knock off @ least after 7.30pm. As e days goes, knock off later n later, ytd knock off @ 9.30pm. Y is there only 24hrs a day? How i wish tt there is more hrs a day!

Smtimes i wonder is it tt i get angry easily? Hmm... but i angry oso got reason then angry ah, not anyhow angry mah, so i'm not those temperamental type bah. 2 ppl making me moody today.

Monday 16 June 2008

Haven't been blogging for quite some time. Dun feel like blogging, tt's y didn't blog. Finally after exam n tot tt can do e things i wanna do, yet all is work work n more work. Shldn't talk so much abt work since i'm already sick of it.

Went to watch Kungfu Panda on Fri. It's quite a humourous show, good to have a laugh once in a while since work is already so stress n tired. Sometimes how i wish tt e world tt i'm living can be just tt simple. How i wish.... Initially it's D who wanna ask me out, but lucky i didn't wait for him otherwise i gonna being 放鸽子again. Ask me out after my exams n when i suggest the timing didn't reply. Me being clever loh, nvr wait for him, by thu nvr hear any reply from D then i ask C whether wanna go watch a movie. C of cos most likely wldn't reject me rite?

Was chattng in msn wif A ytd n A ask me is it tt i wanna play around? Actually i do feel so, mayb life get a bit bored, playing around is fun as long as it doesn't cross over e line or overboard rite? Smtimes i oso dunno y, since so many ppl r so good to me, then shldn't i enjoy this moment before it vanished? Happiness is always short-lived... As wat B say, who doesn't want ppl to treat them good? But wat i can't 谅解 B is that when u can't reciprocate, shldn't u let tt person noe rather than keeping silent? Well, at least i told C that if he always treat me good, i may not b able to reciprocate. C say tt he noe his limit. Then wat can i say?

Smhow feel comfortable when going out wif A but at the same time, i noe tt we r just frenz. I noe tt i'm not his type n we just can't develop e chemistry. When he's bored n i got time, i'll entertain him. When i have other priority, of cos not loh. No matter wat happen, i noe tt we r just frenz. Told A tt mayb by the time when we r 40 n still single, can consider each other. Then A retort tt he dun have the charm meh, otherwise y wait until 40? Then i reply 30 loh...

Really thanks B for helping me to brainstorm abt my work on sat afternoon. Yah B say he wldn't do volunteer work but did i request his service meh? My memory can't be tt poor rite?

So many ppl r so good to me...

Monday 2 June 2008

How come it always seems that when u make me sad i'll fall sick? Is it just so coincidence? Really feel quite sicky. Lucky tml is the last day i'm working before i go on leave, haiz.... tons of things to clear. Haiz... exams coming n yet i'm falling sick. =(